I have been making a point to pray more often. Every day if I can. I begin my day with a prayer to thank God for the gifts I have been blessed with and for the patience and strength to be able to use those gifts to be productive and be able to help others. I pray for strength to make it through the day, to stay focused and not let my mind become idle.
I find myself begging in my prayers lately. My desperation has reached a new level. I am excited and terrified. I am speaking faster than I should to cover my tracks. I pray to not get scolded. I pray to fly under the radar and get work done unnoticed. I am consistently anxious. I am constantly questioning my capabilities.
There is much to be learned from this experience. I must learn how to organize and stay organized. How to think ahead of the curve. How to be patient and how to be strong while staying a patient advocate. How to address issues in a calm & understanding way but to demand respect due to the way I hold myself.
I pray for help with these tasks. I pray for the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I pray for Mother Mary to watch over me as her daughter and protect me. I pray for Jesus to lead me through my day with love in my heart and a clear head.
I do not blame God when things are difficult and I have a bad day. It is bound to happen. I just pray for help to get through it and that tomorrow be better. Today was a day that my prayers were directly answered. Somehow the Lord blessed me to be able to have a quiet day and be openly validated by my boss & mentor. She knows I am trying. She knows I am scared. I pray that Jesus let her see that I am scared but putting in effort.
I will continue to pray.
And no matter what, I will continue to be thankful. Because despite my bouts of depression, I know that I am blessed.