003.

Resolution.

Where do I begin? This year in particular I am driven to change. There are so many things I want to do that I feel overwhelmed by the thought, but I have high hopes. I have already made changes that will allow me to get where I want to be but I still have a long way to go.

1. Above all, I want to focus on me. I need to learn how to be more selfish. Not in the sense that I stop caring about the feelings and needs of others, but not allowing the feelings and needs of others to always come before my own. I don’t allow myself to be human. I don’t allow myself to make mistakes. I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to take care of everyone around me. Granted, it makes me feel good to do such things, but I also end up hurting myself in the process because I never address my own needs. I want to listen to my inner voice more and learn how to say ‘no’. I need to be able to tell myself that sometimes its okay to not be there for someone else and fix their problems if it will hurt me to do so. Take a stand. Demand respect by being able to stand up for myself.

2. Lose weight. Seriously. No bullshit anymore. I have freed up my schedule and will be able to have a normal sleeping & exercise routine. There’s no excuse anymore.

3. Go back to school. By hell or high-water, I want to be working on my masters this year.

4. Cook more. I love to do it. And it will help me save money.

5. Move out. (This one scares the shit out of me, but it’s about time).

6. Get at least one tattoo.

7. Travel. I need to go on vacation someplace I haven’t seen before. I don’t want to waste these years by not seeing the world while I have a chance.

8. Forgive those who have hurt me, but be able to walk away from them when they do. I do not want to change my heart where I become a jaded person that expects everyone to hurt me, but I need to realize that if people aren’t proving they are there for me, they probably aren’t. Don’t be hurt by it or take it personally. Just let it go.

9. Do not settle when it comes to men. I know what I want. I know what I am looking for and I know when the guy I am talking to is not that. But then even though I see the flaws, I look for the redeeming qualities and make up a person that could be good for me instead of seeing it for what it is. Not every guy is a potential long-term. Not every guy deserves to be a part of my life. Again, I need to be able to say no and stand by it. He’s just not that into you. Let him go.

10. Let it be. Simple as that.

002.

Pray.

I have been making a point to pray more often. Every day if I can. I begin my day with a prayer to thank God for the gifts I have been blessed with and for the patience and strength to be able to use those gifts to be productive and be able to help others. I pray for strength to make it through the day, to stay focused and not let my mind become idle.

I find myself begging in my prayers lately. My desperation has reached a new level. I am excited and terrified. I am speaking faster than I should to cover my tracks. I pray to not get scolded. I pray to fly under the radar and get work done unnoticed. I am consistently anxious. I am constantly questioning my capabilities.

There is much to be learned from this experience. I must learn how to organize and stay organized. How to think ahead of the curve. How to be patient and how to be strong while staying a patient advocate. How to address issues in a calm & understanding way but to demand respect due to the way I hold myself.

I pray for help with these tasks. I pray for the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I pray for Mother Mary to watch over me as her daughter and protect me. I pray for Jesus to lead me through my day with love in my heart and a clear head.

I do not blame God when things are difficult and I have a bad day. It is bound to happen. I just pray for help to get through it and that tomorrow be better. Today was a day that my prayers were directly answered. Somehow the Lord blessed me to be able to have a quiet day and be openly validated by my boss & mentor. She knows I am trying. She knows I am scared. I pray that Jesus let her see that I am scared but putting in effort. 

I will continue to pray.

And no matter what, I will continue to be thankful. Because despite my bouts of depression, I know that I am blessed.

001.

Chaos.

Anxiety has not plagued me like this in years. I am lost. I cannot be alone. My moments of solitude turn into racing thoughts and knots in my stomach that I can’t seem to appease.  I used to take solace in being alone; the peace it would bring since quiet moments were so few and far between. Quiet is still rare but instead of tranquility, I find weakness and discord.

I need structure. I need control. I am fighting against the current and I feel that I am losing the energy to swim.

Change is on the horizon.

Serenity will come. Not soon, but it will come with the new year. I will regain my sense of self. I will remember who it is that I am.

But for now I am struggling with time. Begging for moments where I can try to make sense of what has happened to my world. So give me a second here.

Please don’t call my name.